In the Shadows

What can be said for a bony, brittle sap like me?

My heart is strong, but my mind is weak. In the shadows I hide. Not by choice, but by circumstance. Whether by my decisions, or by someone else’s delegation, my place is in the shadows.

Much can be learned from the shadows!

Some of the hardest lessons I have learned comes from lurking beyond places no one wishes to go.This place strikes my mind and floods me with ideas of irrelevance and shame. The shadows is designed for seclusion, separation and reflection of your personal life decisions. I have made many poor decisions and hurt more people than I can count. Because of this I now live, in the shadows!

Lifetimes can be seen from here!

Whether good, or bad there always seems to be guidance, love and hope beyond the shadows. The shadows have no place for such fine, fundamental things. Here you are given frustration, pain, sadness, and an overwhelming amounts of hopelessness. Though you can interact with those in the light, they choose to to ignore me as if I never existed.

Going through the motions!

Many in the light live much like I do, just trying to exist. The major difference is they have somewhere to go, things to do and I, I live in the shadows.

The warmth of love!

To me love seems so distant, set apart and almost unbelievable. Because I have been for so long, the seclusion of the shadows develops many dark ideas and lack of emotions. That was until I met a young man who for some reason, enjoys my empty company. His name is Ryan, I know this because he told me. Everyone else in my life would much rather leave me in the shadows, but not Ryan!

Come into the Light!

This is his daily beckoning. He is so kind, gentle and loving. Ryan has shown me how to throw rocks into the nearby lake just outside the shadows. The only problem is, there are no rocks in the shadows and even if there are, I can not see them.

Oh how I would love to throw a rock!

There is so much joy this young man displays with every thunk and splash created from the pebbles he throws. I would love to feel the exhilaration he feels, to display the same overwhelming joy he shares, but I live in the shadows. Again, in the shadows you are given frustration, pain, sadness, and an overwhelming amount of hopelessness. Not to mention I probably  wouldn’t have the strength to throw anything, from the slow weakening decay of my existence.

There is no time for joy!

Though Ryan considers me a friend, I know someday he will be just like the others. He too will forget that I exist, he too will place me in life of irrelevance; Ryan with forget me! When he grows older, he too will have aspirations, hopes, dreams, a meaning to the life he will inevitably live. As for me, I will remain in the shadows!

Enjoy what you have!

What I have is the daily arrival of a young man I don’t deserve, displaying such beautiful expressions of happiness. Even though the shadows pressure my mind, Ryan projects joy and happiness. Those emotions make my existence a little easier.

Ryan tells he will be moving and I will never see him again!

One day Ryan stops by with the saddest look on his face. Continuous tears roll down his chubby little cheeks. His parents are wanting to move closer to family, which means that this was going to be the last time I would see him. My heart in this moment feels like it’s disintegrating from the inside. This one friend I have had over the many years of my personal irrelevance; is leaving! I knew this would happen, but I did not expect it to happen so soon. Why here? Why now? Why leave?!

He has one request!

The tears continue to fall and my heart begins to beat faster with every drop. Through his crying he asks for one small token of affection! One moment of love! One ……hug! My mind warns me of the danger, but my heart compels me forward. I am not meant to be in the light, I am a dweller of the shadows, but for some reason nothing is more important to me than Ryan’s simple request. Feelings I have never felt overtake me. I cannot help, but leave the shadows, to tend to my young friend Ryan.

I step in to the light!

A half a second after stepping foot into the light, Ryan grabs me with all of his might. I had never felt such strength, or such passion. The feelings begin to take shape, tears begin to form on my face and for a moment I feel what love is! It is, pleasant and painful. This pain however feels different. Sure it’s difficult, but it seems in some way to ease all of the suffering I have ever had. This simplistic emotion, grants focus on this one moment with Ryan, this one …….hug!

The light begins to burn!

As I hold him in my bony, misshapen arms pain begins to come over me. This pain however is stronger than any other I have ever felt. Instead of eating away at my mind, this pain begins to burn my very being.

It’s Time for him to go!

From this distance, the voice of Ryan’s mother calls to him. Hearing her words only strengthens the grip he has on my fragile body. Even though I long for him to stay, I know he must go. With soft whispers, I tell him “It’s okay, I will see you again. It’s okay you must go.”. Reluctantly with his face covered in tears he slowly walks to his mother.

I know I will never see him again!

The thought of him leaving hurt more than the burning I feel from the light. It, however is the right thing to do for him and his family. Why should such a sweet young man spend so much time trying to bring hope to me, a dweller of the shadows. Why should this young man, who has a life of love, joy and family chose to share that same emotion with someone who has squandered his life in the shadows.

The light begins to kill me!

Even though pain is unbearable, I don’t take my eyes off of Ryan’s little frame. It’s as if the very sight of him makes this burning from the light seem necessary. I know if I remain here I will die! But I watch and remember the wonderful moments I have shared with this young man. The memories I have enjoyed with Ryan overpower the years of pain I used to pile in my head in the shadows.

No longer will I hide!

Even though I am a dweller of the shadows, I am not leaving the light! If this is to be the end of my life, then let my last memory be watching Ryan find joy from throwing rocks! Every beautiful thunk and splash has given me more to live for, then I can say for anything I have done. I chose to die with this joy in my heart. I chose to weep uncontrollably at the fact that nothing has been more wonderful, than the love Ryan has given me!

I choose to die in the light!

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Feeling

What is this feeling I have? Moments pass, yet every instance seems more meaningful than the last. I cannot place it, but for some reason it calls to me. As if the very foundations of my life are bent to the will of this one presence, this one…. feeling. I am greatly aware of it, but I know nothing of what it means, or how it’s used. Yet without it, I seem useless as if the very core of my being chooses only to exist because of this…… feeling.

It makes me quake.

It makes me angry.

It confuses me.

It amuses me.

This overwhelming……. feeling.

I cannot deny it’s power, or it’s gentleness. The gentle yet stern tones that are emitting from this feeling takes hold of my heart, my mind and my soul.

Do I also, carry the this strength within me?

If so, why then does this feeling shake the core of who I am in hopes of creating something new. I wonder? What is the best way to express this? One moment can be something small, but the very next day could be something…….overpowering!

What must I do then?

Do I fight for this?

Do I surrender to it?

Do I let it pass me by?

Do I stand alone, in this…….feeling?

For something so powerful, something so gripping, only one word seems sufficient to describe it……love.

It is love that binds my mind.

It is love that drives my passion.

It is love that builds me to be the best me, I can be.

Though I do not grasp the complexity of love, but for some reason it seeks to make itself known. Oh how I long to love, even though I feel unworthy to receive it. It however says otherwise!

Love tells me to keep going!

Love tells me when to stop!

Love tells me when to let go!

Love tells me when to hold on!

Love reminds me what a dumb decision looks like!

Love encourages me, when the right choice is not the easy one!

Much can be said of this feeling. It’s unending reach is something I will never fully fathom. Lucky for me, I don’t have to! Like I said, love seeks to make itself known.

All I need to do is receive it!

Daily Prompt: Promises

How do I relate with promises?

Unfortunately most of the promises I have made vanish just as fast as I make them. Whether it’s forgetfulness, laziness, or interest; Others have been either frustrated or hurt from my lack of commitment. My heart says one thing, my mind says another. Though I seek to do good and true; I combat with my lazy, uninterested mind seeking nothing as it pertains with commitment or consistency.

Many possible causes to this problem revolve around my daily routine, to which I am seeking release from. The only thing I commit my time to consistently is work, for obvious reasons. When it pertains to work, I am very dependable, adaptive, ambitious. When I am home I seek relaxation, disconnect and entertainment. These all together are not bad things. Too of my time is consumed by them however, creating the overwhelming dilemma we are currently discussing.

Promises; A very powerful and important word we as people should take more seriously. I have drawn out a small portions of life which constantly develop problems to my the promises I seek. Through these problems however I have formed possibilities in hopes of reforming the way I relate and interact with the promises I make.

Make less Promises

This seems easy, but I have found myself telling others “Sure” or “I’ll be there”. Yet when the day comes, my mind begins to question if I want to go at all. Making less promises can help prevent many occurrences of disappointing or frustrating others of the promises you have made. Do not avoid make promises altogether, because can possibly add more to the problem then help.

Making less promises is meant to help us think more about what we are committing to before we agree to it. Taking the time to evaluate if you can go/help, or even want to go/help before saying yes, can save a much hassle for everyone involved.

Schedule Events

Not only should you have these, but have it at the same time on a weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly basis. In a small way this can build consistency while enjoying what you are doing. This for me has been the extremely helpful in monitoring my time and how I use it. Not to mention my commitment to this, has allowed many other opportunities to develop outlets I never knew existed.

Scheduling events, stamps a time to which everything else must fit around the designated time agreed upon. Not to mention these events can also create expectation and excitement that previously did not exist in the monotony. Overall Scheduling events gives a time that everyone involved can relax, but also develop small amounts of consistency they previously lacked.

Make small changes

Like anything in life you must take things one step at a time. Rediscovering ways to commit and follow, through is no different. This has been the most important idea I have developed to pull myself from the problem that has become my lazy, distant life. Day by day, however smaller pieces of the whole which we call “life”, has become something easier to attain and commit to.

I will say these are not perfect steps, but they work for me. Following through with promises is not a work of science, nor is it easy. Developing a healthier lifestyle in terms of commitment however, is becoming more of a reality day by day.

I would also love to hear about your struggles and successes with commitment. Let’s generate some discussion about possible solutions we all can apply to build a healthier mind and life.

via Daily Prompt: Promises

The Storm

Clouds

The gloomy clouds over head begin to form in a more rapid than normal pace. Wind unknown to this town made quite the arrival, in a glorious strength. What can be said, beyond admiring it’s wondrous power and ability no man can tame! The Branches struggle to hold themselves together, many smaller trees threaten to flee from the dirt their roots currently occupy.

The thunder begins to rumble; I can feel it’s deep overpowering resonance. Many cars race toward the driveways of the houses they belong. Some topple as a strong gust strikes their broadside as if the wind was seeking it’s demise. Out of terror the occupants frantically squeeze out of the nearest broken window in hopes of finding shelter. A few moments later the desperate pleas of security cease when hope of cover is finally found.

The only sound that remained was the storm! Crash goes the lighting, smash strikes the wind, splashing grows from every corner the rain sees fit to land. I can’t help but tremble a little as I continue to watch. A sign of uncertainty comes across my mind when larger than normal funnel clouds begin to form. My heart reaches for all the time, work, and love other families have shared  in the community, which has recently come at risk.

The humbling thought of what the disaster can do, strains my mind with the potential turmoil that can possibly occur. For a moment, however a sign of hope developed in my mind. Even though the lightning was powerful, and the wind ferocious; At some point the storm would choose to end. That thought alone carries so much wait, because loss will occur, but we can to carry on. In a weird way this storm has taught me about life. Everyday has battles that we will encounter and what we choose to do in it will determined what happens after it.

If we don’t seek shelter from it, or in other terms try to avoid being dragged in to the storm that others have place themselves into. Only then we will have the opportunity to watch it pass. Much like the storm my heart goes out to those involved, because in most cases I care about all of them. Even though they quarrel now the calming of the storm will happen and how we respond to it will determine if you have to endure it again.

Overcoming Chaos

Think about chaos for a minute. What comes to mind for you?

Many thoughts and memories fill my mind when thinking of chaos. The most prevalent for me however, evolves around the idea of Children. Parents have a deeper understanding of this then I do. I on the other hand have had the opportunity to learn much from my nieces and nephew. They are wonderful children, but as far as chaos is concerned I can fill a couple of books with information!

My prime example is demonstrated through trying to discipline children that are not you own. Anyone who has been in this situation knows you have to balance between giving disciple, and not upsetting the parents in the process. This has never been more relevant than with my oldest niece. First I will say she is quite adorable and fun to spend time with. The times she decides to go into her own world when she no longer wants to listen, happens more often than I would like.

One particular instance remains burned in my head, because of how funny and frustrating she made me in this particular moment. To set the stage, the kids wanted to go to the park nearby, because of how beautiful it was outside. Like any other day getting the kids ready to go somewhere, was much like pulling hair out of my head. My nephew was ready to go, but my niece could not find the shoes she wanted for the park.

I asked if she “left them in her room?”. Without hesitation she took off in a sprint, as if she were looking for a lost relic. While she was away, I helped the nephew gather things he wanted to play with (Mostly my Frisbees). Minutes pass, while we wait for the older sister to return from whatever adventure she had made for herself. After about Twenty minutes pass, I decide to go up and check on her.

To my not unexpected surprise, instead of looking for her shoes, she has equipped herself in one of her favorite blue colored dresses. Walking slowly from one side of the room to the next, ignoring my presence at her doorway all together. After asking her “What are you doing?!?”, she turns slowly, as if I am suppose to appreciate the elegance of her dress. She then replies saying, “Oh, I didn’t know the kingdom would allow you into the castle”.

To most, this would cause a world full of panic trying to understand why such a statement  would be made. Her mother, father and I understand that she has placed herself in the majestic world of the movie “Frozen”, and she is in fact Elsa! In these moments her mother would take a more direct approach. Her dad more of a passive understanding approach (That’s Daddy’s little girl after all). I on the other hand use my wealth of royal knowledge against her. Hammering much history of royalty into the ground, until her enchantment decides to waste away.

After acknowledging she is in fact a princess, I then attempt to see how much she understands her responsibilities to the kingdom. I lead with the idea of royal courtship. More directly reminding her, she will have no choice to what prince she is to marry. That typically breaks the spell immediately, because she doesn’t like the idea of her parents choosing her future husband. This day however, she exclaims “She will do what is necessary for the needs of her Kingdom” (so noble).

Instead of becoming frustrated with her response, I then ask if “she would like to meet with her people?”. Without a moments hesitation she exclaimed “I would love nothing more!”. I then inform her, she would have to change into clothes that are more fitting for common locations. Out of the nines years I have known my niece, I have never seen her get ready so fast until this moment. Not only did both kids enjoy the park. The spell that captured my niece, ended the instant we got out of the car.

I have plenty of stories on my nephew as well, but I believe the story above demonstrates perfectly the idea of chaos. Instead of just telling a story, I want to give something more tangible that can be used in any relationship you have. Before I tell you that, I do believe there are situations beyond my understanding, and can’t just be answered away.

I also believe that most things in life, regardless of how chaotic they are, have another side or reason behind why they are happening. Even in the midst of whatever maybe happening,  we must understand there is a bigger picture/reason behind whatever is currently occurring. Going back to the example with my niece, she openly chooses to go into her own world, because it’s so much more enjoyable. She relishes in her imagination! Knowing this, I try to reach her where she is mentally in order to get anything accomplished!

Similarly being slow to many bigger situations may reveal much need information to either understanding, or preventing complication with whatever can happen in the future. To be clear, that does not mean it will be solved! It just means that we don’t have to exist in a world of stagnation. Once we can break the complications of the situation, I believe only then we can continue to live!

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much I did writing this. As always I would love to hear what you have to say, even if you don’t agree with it.

This post was inspired by the WordPress daily Prompt of Chaos.

Link: https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/chaos/