In the Shadows

What can be said for a bony, brittle sap like me?

My heart is strong, but my mind is weak. In the shadows I hide. Not by choice, but by circumstance. Whether by my decisions, or by someone else’s delegation, my place is in the shadows.

Much can be learned from the shadows!

Some of the hardest lessons I have learned comes from lurking beyond places no one wishes to go.This place strikes my mind and floods me with ideas of irrelevance and shame. The shadows is designed for seclusion, separation and reflection of your personal life decisions. I have made many poor decisions and hurt more people than I can count. Because of this I now live, in the shadows!

Lifetimes can be seen from here!

Whether good, or bad there always seems to be guidance, love and hope beyond the shadows. The shadows have no place for such fine, fundamental things. Here you are given frustration, pain, sadness, and an overwhelming amounts of hopelessness. Though you can interact with those in the light, they choose to to ignore me as if I never existed.

Going through the motions!

Many in the light live much like I do, just trying to exist. The major difference is they have somewhere to go, things to do and I, I live in the shadows.

The warmth of love!

To me love seems so distant, set apart and almost unbelievable. Because I have been for so long, the seclusion of the shadows develops many dark ideas and lack of emotions. That was until I met a young man who for some reason, enjoys my empty company. His name is Ryan, I know this because he told me. Everyone else in my life would much rather leave me in the shadows, but not Ryan!

Come into the Light!

This is his daily beckoning. He is so kind, gentle and loving. Ryan has shown me how to throw rocks into the nearby lake just outside the shadows. The only problem is, there are no rocks in the shadows and even if there are, I can not see them.

Oh how I would love to throw a rock!

There is so much joy this young man displays with every thunk and splash created from the pebbles he throws. I would love to feel the exhilaration he feels, to display the same overwhelming joy he shares, but I live in the shadows. Again, in the shadows you are given frustration, pain, sadness, and an overwhelming amount of hopelessness. Not to mention I probably  wouldn’t have the strength to throw anything, from the slow weakening decay of my existence.

There is no time for joy!

Though Ryan considers me a friend, I know someday he will be just like the others. He too will forget that I exist, he too will place me in life of irrelevance; Ryan with forget me! When he grows older, he too will have aspirations, hopes, dreams, a meaning to the life he will inevitably live. As for me, I will remain in the shadows!

Enjoy what you have!

What I have is the daily arrival of a young man I don’t deserve, displaying such beautiful expressions of happiness. Even though the shadows pressure my mind, Ryan projects joy and happiness. Those emotions make my existence a little easier.

Ryan tells he will be moving and I will never see him again!

One day Ryan stops by with the saddest look on his face. Continuous tears roll down his chubby little cheeks. His parents are wanting to move closer to family, which means that this was going to be the last time I would see him. My heart in this moment feels like it’s disintegrating from the inside. This one friend I have had over the many years of my personal irrelevance; is leaving! I knew this would happen, but I did not expect it to happen so soon. Why here? Why now? Why leave?!

He has one request!

The tears continue to fall and my heart begins to beat faster with every drop. Through his crying he asks for one small token of affection! One moment of love! One ……hug! My mind warns me of the danger, but my heart compels me forward. I am not meant to be in the light, I am a dweller of the shadows, but for some reason nothing is more important to me than Ryan’s simple request. Feelings I have never felt overtake me. I cannot help, but leave the shadows, to tend to my young friend Ryan.

I step in to the light!

A half a second after stepping foot into the light, Ryan grabs me with all of his might. I had never felt such strength, or such passion. The feelings begin to take shape, tears begin to form on my face and for a moment I feel what love is! It is, pleasant and painful. This pain however feels different. Sure it’s difficult, but it seems in some way to ease all of the suffering I have ever had. This simplistic emotion, grants focus on this one moment with Ryan, this one …….hug!

The light begins to burn!

As I hold him in my bony, misshapen arms pain begins to come over me. This pain however is stronger than any other I have ever felt. Instead of eating away at my mind, this pain begins to burn my very being.

It’s Time for him to go!

From this distance, the voice of Ryan’s mother calls to him. Hearing her words only strengthens the grip he has on my fragile body. Even though I long for him to stay, I know he must go. With soft whispers, I tell him “It’s okay, I will see you again. It’s okay you must go.”. Reluctantly with his face covered in tears he slowly walks to his mother.

I know I will never see him again!

The thought of him leaving hurt more than the burning I feel from the light. It, however is the right thing to do for him and his family. Why should such a sweet young man spend so much time trying to bring hope to me, a dweller of the shadows. Why should this young man, who has a life of love, joy and family chose to share that same emotion with someone who has squandered his life in the shadows.

The light begins to kill me!

Even though pain is unbearable, I don’t take my eyes off of Ryan’s little frame. It’s as if the very sight of him makes this burning from the light seem necessary. I know if I remain here I will die! But I watch and remember the wonderful moments I have shared with this young man. The memories I have enjoyed with Ryan overpower the years of pain I used to pile in my head in the shadows.

No longer will I hide!

Even though I am a dweller of the shadows, I am not leaving the light! If this is to be the end of my life, then let my last memory be watching Ryan find joy from throwing rocks! Every beautiful thunk and splash has given me more to live for, then I can say for anything I have done. I chose to die with this joy in my heart. I chose to weep uncontrollably at the fact that nothing has been more wonderful, than the love Ryan has given me!

I choose to die in the light!

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Feeling

What is this feeling I have? Moments pass, yet every instance seems more meaningful than the last. I cannot place it, but for some reason it calls to me. As if the very foundations of my life are bent to the will of this one presence, this one…. feeling. I am greatly aware of it, but I know nothing of what it means, or how it’s used. Yet without it, I seem useless as if the very core of my being chooses only to exist because of this…… feeling.

It makes me quake.

It makes me angry.

It confuses me.

It amuses me.

This overwhelming……. feeling.

I cannot deny it’s power, or it’s gentleness. The gentle yet stern tones that are emitting from this feeling takes hold of my heart, my mind and my soul.

Do I also, carry the this strength within me?

If so, why then does this feeling shake the core of who I am in hopes of creating something new. I wonder? What is the best way to express this? One moment can be something small, but the very next day could be something…….overpowering!

What must I do then?

Do I fight for this?

Do I surrender to it?

Do I let it pass me by?

Do I stand alone, in this…….feeling?

For something so powerful, something so gripping, only one word seems sufficient to describe it……love.

It is love that binds my mind.

It is love that drives my passion.

It is love that builds me to be the best me, I can be.

Though I do not grasp the complexity of love, but for some reason it seeks to make itself known. Oh how I long to love, even though I feel unworthy to receive it. It however says otherwise!

Love tells me to keep going!

Love tells me when to stop!

Love tells me when to let go!

Love tells me when to hold on!

Love reminds me what a dumb decision looks like!

Love encourages me, when the right choice is not the easy one!

Much can be said of this feeling. It’s unending reach is something I will never fully fathom. Lucky for me, I don’t have to! Like I said, love seeks to make itself known.

All I need to do is receive it!